AGE 10 – 12
You’re the best, Mum!
Teach me how to use tampons! Thanks, now don’t talk to me in public.
Drive me to the shopping centre so I can hang out near the bus stops with my friends for five hours. Ugh, no, Mum, we don’t actually go INSIDE. We stand around OUTSIDE it, because we are cool. You don’t understand anything. I wish you were dead. Can I have $10 for the food court?
OMG HOW COULD YOU GET ME AN COTTON ON GIFT CARD INSTEAD OF THE VALLEY GIRL ONE I ASKED YOU FOR, I HATE YOU, I WISH I WAS A HALF-ORPHAN.
Why can’t you be cool like Sarah’s mum? She’s, like, my friend. She always has amazing blow-outs and she lets us drink!
Wait, why are you calling Sarah’s mum to yell at her about letting us drink!? Don’t call her! Don’t embarrass me in front of my friend, Mum! Ughhh, I hope I never turn into you when I am an old hag.
Don’t you dare talk to me about sex, I swear to God I will start screaming Nickelback at the top of my lungs. OK, you asked for it, LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH, EVERY TIME I DO IT MAKES ME—
School was fine. He’s not my boyfriend. Stop trying to give me advice. Stop asking about my day. Stop moving your mouth in that annoying way where words come out of them.
AGE 19 – 23
Hey, Mum, do you have time for a two-hour conversation about nothing?
Also, later tonight I might call you when I’m a little bit tipsy and ask you for the kind of advice about sex and boys and stuff that I am too embarrassed to ask you sober, OK? Cooooool.
No. Don’t look at me because someone farted during this yoga class, Mum. Because I’ll start laughing, and then you will start laughing, and then we will fail yoga. Look how perfectly those two over there are doing it. Whatever. I wouldn’t want to be them, anyway, they’re probably boring.
Oh. Yeah, I guess going out sounds kinda fun. But I’d rather stay in with my mom and watch cat videos on YouTube while drinking red wine.
For God’s sake, Mom, let me get the check. It’s the least I can do. For the record, I hope I’m just like you when I’m an old hag.
You’re the best, Mom!